My relationship with God has been quiet lately. The highs and lows, the ebb and flow of the emotional tide that ruled my inner world for so long that I didn’t remember a time without it, has resolved itself into more of a broad river. I don’t want to be super-spiritual about this: it’s probably hormonal, but it affects everything and especially, I’m noticing, my relationship with God.
The dramatic peaks and troughs drove me to him over and over again, even as I longed to be free from their turbulence. Now that I’m here, I don’t quite know how to live with the quiet. It’s not a bad kind of quiet, but I see more and more that the ship calibrated for survival on the stormy seas is not suited for the smoother inland waterways.
I don’t know what to call this time in life — a season of sanity? I certainly see my myself and my surroundings more clearly without the waves regularly obscuring the horizon. Now that it’s quiet, God can speak and work in my life through those voices that were drowned out by the roaring sea for so, so long. Now, 30 years into my walk, I’m ready to hear truth again for the first time.
O, Lord, who may lodge as a guest in your tent? Who may dwell continually on your holy hill? He who walks with integrity and strength of character, and works righteousness, And speaks and holds truth in his heart. Psalm 51:1-2
I sense I’m moving from “survive” to “thrive,” and what I felt I had to have in the last season, would only hold me back now. This leaves room for new truth, new strategies, new experiences. I might be able to finally answer some of the big questions! What dreams have I written off as impossible in my heart? Who has God made me to be? Is my vision big enough?
In the new quiet of my inner world, I continually think on what he is showing me in my day to day life, especially in my work. I see his redemptive work most clearly there, where my area of greatest hurt is becoming one of greatest strength. But mostly, there is quiet, empty space. With drama no longer driving our relationship, the possibilities are open before us.
What does it look like to be in a relationship with God that is not always based on a reaction to our circumstances? Rather than beating a path to the holy hill on the regular, the invitation before us is (and has been) to dwell with him. To lodge in his tent, to dwell on his holy hill–what might we learn there?
What do you want to learn? What has he put in your heart to seek out? I don’t know for myself just yet quite what I’m looking for, but I’m moving in anyway.
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Joni Butler has called the ‘Ham home since 2012. Officially, she’s here for employment but has found a home here at Breath. Though an avid diarist for years, this is her first writing gig. Jesus is her best friend and she loves pursuing Him passionately. You can read more about Joni in her Breath Bio.