Identity Buried Within Insecurity

Today we welcome Kelly Jones to Guest Writer Week at Breath on Paper.

I have wrestled with insecurity throughout my entire life. This lie that ‘I am not good enough’ or that ‘I am too busy for God to use me’ is a lie that the devil attempts to ensnare me in. I struggled with believing that God had a purpose for my life because of these lies. For such a long time I was caught up in the things of this world that should never have a place before God. I was praying desperately for God to move in my life, but only to give me back the things that he had already taken away. I thought he was punishing me, but he was actually pursuing me.

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I made the choice to be water baptized on December 10, 2016

God was breaking my heart for the things that broke his. I never realized that my life looked the way it did, and I had the insecurities that I had, because I was allowing the devil to penetrate my thoughts and I was believing his lies. I couldn’t be the leader God called me to be until I was set free from those lies.

“Clear the stage and set the sounds and lights ablaze if that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols.”

This song, “Clear The Stage”-by Jimmy Needham, completely broke me when I first heard it in my small group. I was putting relationships with other people before my relationship with God. These people took the roles of idols in my life. Social media was another idol in my life. I was so captivated by social media and how many likes I received rather than how many lost souls I was bringing to Christ. I was focused on my identity in society, and my identity online rather than the identity that God gives me. This song quickly made me realize that I can only focus on who God says I am when I remove these false idols, and turn my attention back to the one who has given me purpose.

“Take a break from all the plans that you have made and sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper. Beg him please to open up his mouth and speak and pray for real upon your knees until they blister.”

I was lost, insecure, broken. My schedule was full, and even though I was always surrounded by people, I was completely alone. It took me entirely too long to realize that ‘busyness’ was not the answer to my loneliness and insecurity. There was nothing here on Earth that could fill the void I had in my life. I had to remove God from the box I put him in, and surrender. Surrender my heart, surrender my time, and surrender all control I seemed to be holding on to. I had to get back to the basics and get real with God. He was opening every door I needed in order to step into my calling, I just had to say “yes.”

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Arrianna was a co-leader of the small group where I first heard this song.

 

Just a few mornings ago, I stood silent and still after coming to God in prayer and thanking him for closing the doors I needed to step out of. It was in this moment that I received a calm peace, and a clear voice saying that I was in. I had been asked to Co-lead a small group with a good friend of mine and I told her that I needed to spend time in prayer before giving her an answer. God gave me the green light and reminded me that he called me to be a leader and that it was my time. Soon after hearing this audible voice, I was met face to face with all of those insecurities again. The lies of the devil became loud. He began to tell me that I wasn’t good enough, that I was ‘too busy’ to make it work. I returned to this song and let my thoughts come back to the realization that time is just a tool and I have the choice to pick it up and use it wisely, or lay it down and waste it. This song opened my eyes to the fact that insecurities and false idols are just obstacles that the devil uses to prevent you from living out your purpose. “Clear the Stage” has become my heart’s deepest cry and a reminder that I have to be intentional in removing the lies, idols, and insecurities, and replacing them with real authentic truth from God, through prayer and heartfelt worship. 


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11ba6fd3-5229-409e-86e7-445d35d12419Kelly Jones is a senior in high school who will be headed to Auburn University this fall! She has a passion for students and a love for the lost. Her idea of a perfect day, is a day full of coffee, shopping, and laughter with her best friends!

4 thoughts on “Identity Buried Within Insecurity

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