I’m not a writer, by any fraction of the definition, so when I was asked to write, I literally laughed out loud. My friend kept encouraging me. The more I wanted to say “no way!” the more I felt God tapping on my heart that He wanted me to write. I didn’t want to…because I knew He’d want me to share the most difficult time in my life. A time where I felt abandoned, unloved….forgotten. A time I felt invisible to Him and anything but cherished.
God has blessed us beyond anything we deserve with three amazing little girls. We wanted to expand our family once more, however, in the short span of June 2013 – May 2014, I had two miscarriages, a cancer scare, a couple surgeries, and a ruptured tubal pregnancy. As a result of the cancer scare surgery and last pregnancy, I can no longer have children. The week after our third ‘angel baby’ was born into Heaven, we moved into a new house without time to cope and heal from one thing to the next. It was more than I could bare.
As I sat in the hospital with the last pregnancy, I prayed, cried, screamed, and begged God to spare my baby’s life. I pleaded for a miracle to let me keep my baby. He didn’t answer. All these awful things happened, and He didn’t answer my prayers. I’d never felt so unloved, forgotten, and abandoned. I was completely shattered.
I was surrounded by friends and family having babies, many due when I should’ve been due with any of my angel babies. The pain I felt around them was so great, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t be in social settings. I couldn’t go to church…what was once my happy place felt like a torture chamber. I’d help my husband get our girls ready and I’d tell them mommy wasn’t feeling well, then I’d just sit at home crying. The few times I did make it, the pain was so raw, I spent my entire time trying not to break down. I’d never experienced such grief and it hurt more than I could’ve imagined.
All this time, the enemy was feeding me so many lies. Because I was grieving and completely vulnerable, I believed them. Satan knew exactly where to hit and threw everything he had at me:
“God didn’t love me.” ~ “God had forgotten about me.” ~ “I lost my babies and couldn’t have more because I wasn’t a good enough mother.” ~ “My husband wouldn’t love me anymore because I couldn’t have more children.” ~ “My friends looked down on me because I wasn’t as good as them.” ~ “I wasn’t worth anything anymore.”
I was hurting so much, for so long, that even though I knew better AND God’s truth, I believed those awful LIES.
Sometime after our third angel baby was born into Heaven, God threw me a precious lifeline. Even though I was being held together by a delicate thread, it offered hope. It was my sword and shield in my fight against Satan’s lies and carried me through the grief. It’s a verse that I have clung to, found hope and comfort in, and shared with many walking through their own fires:
That future glory is eternity with Him. If He didn’t cherish and love me then He wouldn’t promise eternity with Him!
There’s going to be struggles in life because we live in a fallen world. God will ALWAYS be there for you. NOTHING comes to us that hasn’t sifted through the Father’s hands. If He brings you to it, He WILL bring you through it!!!! Satan will be ready to pounce at any sign of weakness, but hold tight to God’s truth! God doesn’t love us only when things are going well, He loves at all times and will never forsake you. Remember He sent His only son to die for you!
There’s still times when the pain of our losses takes me to those moments when I heard my babies weren’t going to make it; still times when I can hear Satan whispering lies to make me doubt God’s love for me. Sometimes I immediately feel God’s strength and they just bounce right off; but others, my weakness is so great, I have to turn to my arsenal of truth; God’s word!
No matter what fire you’re walking through, Satan will lie. He’ll do anything to separate you from the Lord. He knows your weaknesses and how to tempt you wherever you’re struggling. Don’t believe him! YOU are CHERISHED by your Heavenly Father!!! – Ashley
Ashley S. is a sinner saved by grace, wife to a wonderful husband, stay at home mother to three precious daughters, and professional photographer. She loves spending time with her family and friends, sewing, baking, and designing the renovations for their old ranch home. The little things in life bring her the most joy, as it’s in the little things you find God’s biggest blessings!
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