I have been trying to get a new job. My current work situation has not been good for the past 6 months, so I was thrilled back before Christmas when I saw an opening posted for another department that I had already had my eye on that sounded so very “me.” I applied and a few weeks later found out I had been selected for an interview. But it was more than an interview—it required a presentation. I was up to the challenge, though! I prepared and when the time came, I delivered. I didn’t leave 100% confident I had the job, but I felt like I had done my best. Even now, still not sure of the outcome, I feel good knowing I did everything I could.
But one doubt hung around. You see, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my professional life. Things have calmed down since being with my current employer, but the last 6 months has highlighted the problem I continually face. I’ve always had trouble seeing myself in my work. I don’t believe I am really the kind of person that does (fill in the blank with every job I’ve ever had) for a living. And I’m sure that’s not uncommon. What most of us do for a living misaligns with the image we have of ourselves in our head. No great revelation there.
As I was praying about the potential new job, the Spirit helped me put some pieces together. I was able to put my finger on my fear that my current problems would follow me to the next job and the next, if something didn’t change. In that moment, I finally made the connection between my problems in all my not-right-for-me jobs and my reluctance to simply accept that even if it’s not “me,” it is what I am doing right now, what God’s given me to do. My sublimated hostility to my work had hurt me tremendously, and truly, if I that didn’t change, I would continue to face the same problems I do right now in any new position. Because really, I am probably no better suited to do the new job than my current one.
It hit me how much easier it would be to just surrender to what God clearly had for my life right now, and live out of the abundance of his grace, which, as we know, is sufficient. That sounds so fluffy, but it is tangible to me in this way: I am probably not well suited to do much of anything professionally in my own strength. I like to read and write and do art projects and hang out with my friends. If I could do that professionally, I would be the CEO, but such is not life. How much better to just believe what God says about me? He wants me in my current position or a new one? Fine! I’m down, even if it’s not “me” because it is me, really, because he says it is. Simple as that. If I can believe it, that reality is mine.
To put a name on what happened, I would call it surrender. I think I know myself, and I think I know what I should do with my life. But those things don’t line up with what God has put in front of me to do right now. So which of us is wrong? Who knows better? Instead of constantly scheming for a different life, I’m giving up to live in God’s grace for what I have now. And this attitude will follow me wherever I go. Surrender = wisdom for my future. ~ Joni